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Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey
I bet it's hard
to break farmers of the old superstitions like
"Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever drop
your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
To me, it's a
good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry,
got these sacks."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you lived in
the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry.
That's as far as it shoots."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Is there anything
more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful
sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his
beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If life deals you
lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Instead of having
"answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish I would
have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for
a few years, because I was thinking about doing
that anyway.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you go flying
back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to
avoid eye contact.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
It's easy to sit
there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that
money.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
As the light
changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it
nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?
Sometimes it seemed that way.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I can picture in
my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because
they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope some
animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its
eggs in my brain, because later you might think
you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Whenever you read
a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't
like to read good books.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
What is it about
a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that
makes you want to get drunk?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
And after you're
real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then
lay down and go to sleep.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Instead of a trap
door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I
guess that's like a regular window.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
During the Middle
Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going
down to the corner."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If I ever get
real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When I found the
skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I
picked it up, and started wondering who this person
was, and why he had deer horns.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I remember how my
great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy
boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost
as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he
had whittled off the paint.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Here's a good
thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around
and collect any extra garbage that people might
have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out
too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Most of the time
it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm
outside, you'd look out your little window and
think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes you
have to be careful when selecting a new name for
yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen
the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think
that "fly Head" would mean a person who has
beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through
the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean
"having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people
might actually think that.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope that after
I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed
me a lot of money."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you get
invited to your first orgy, don't just show up
nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let
nudity "happen."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The tired and
thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge
of the watering hole and started to drink. But then
he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering
hole is reserved for skeletons."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If they ever come
up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off
Something.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When you're
riding in a time machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll
turn into a fossil.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
It takes a big
man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at
that man.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
At first I
thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret
identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because
you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I
thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?"
and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision
and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray,
stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta
here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his
bill.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
One thing kids
like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no,"
I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it
was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to
the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
A good way to
threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up
to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's
dynamite, baby."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Why do people in
ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"?
I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all
that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able
to get a lot of free games.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I'd like to be
buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a
high rack, above the ground. That way, you could
get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If I lived back
in the wild west days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something
like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!"
and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a
soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed,
because they had made fun of the soldering iron of
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a
free drink.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet when the
Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone
would always end up saying, "Don't forget the
thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the
big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the
snowman.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Fear can
sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's
say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear
that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The
next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!,
you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He
might call you on the radio and say he's not
Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Too bad you can't
buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The people in the
village were real poor, so none of the children had
any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old
enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go
around and whap the other children across the face
with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later
the boy came up and offered to give me the toy.
This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then
he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema
bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these
people.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish I had a
Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
Dracula AND Superman away.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I don't think I'm
alone when I say I'd like to see more and more
planets fall under the ruthless domination of our
solar system.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Dad always
thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Maybe in order to
understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two
separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these
words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope if dogs
ever take over the world, and they chose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I guess we were
all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all
skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper
sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet the main
reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and
lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody
comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What
was THAT?!"
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The face of a
child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Ambition is like
a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because
it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other
stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I'd rather be
rich than stupid.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you were a
poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the
gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you define
cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for
mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet one legend
that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When you go in
for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
To me, boxing is
like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
What is it that
makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
We tend to scoff
at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff
at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Probably the
earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a
long stick.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think someone
should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad
in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not
what I call hospitality.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
To me, clowns
aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes
back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown
killed my dad.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
As I bit into the
nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a
nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Most people don't
realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common
wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If trees could
scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for
no good reason.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Better not take a
dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might
burn up.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
You know what
would make a good story? Something about a clown
who make people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes when I
feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the
side of it's head with a note that says "You."
After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're a
horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and
then gets right back on you, I think you should
buck him off right away.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever teach
a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right
off. You see, we build to that.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever fall
off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I'd like to see a
nude opera, because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Anytime I see
something screech across a room and latch onto
someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to
get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
He was a cowboy,
mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much
he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But
when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at
the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot
them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The memories of
my family outings are still a source of strength to
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I
forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm
not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in
the air as we played whatever sport we played. I
remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd
eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
home. I guess some things never leave you.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If a kid asks
where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably
because of something you did."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Contrary to what
most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the
elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's
back, just trampling and eating everything they
see.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
As we were
driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to
the highway department, but she started saying it
was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple
letter! And I thought I was lazy!
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
One thing kids
like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no,"
I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was
a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the
real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you saw two
guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Laurie got
offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
We used to laugh
at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But
we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish a robot
would get elected president. That way, when he came
to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
As the evening
sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that
morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him
Flint.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're a young
Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Whenever I see an
old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't
seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you go
parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and
you friends are all watching you fall, I think a
funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When I was a kid
my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once
in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until
later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Children need
encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell
him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a
good, lucky feeling.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The crows seemed
to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When you die, if
you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick,
but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Whether they find
a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
called an enemy planet.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Instead of trying
to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
we should be thinking about getting more use out of
the ones we already have.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think a good
gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably
have to run up to him real quick and give it to
him.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Just because
swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a
deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for
life?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're robbing
a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's
okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too,
because, come on, life is funny.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever catch
on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because
I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes I think
I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I can't stand
cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone
says something like, "Hey, when are you going to
pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that
$50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think the
mistake a lot of us make is thinking the
state-appointed shrink is our friend.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think one way
the cops could make money would be to hold a murder
weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice
picks.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever reach
total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you
could shoot beer out of you nose.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I believe in
making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Even though I was
their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit
of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals,
and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was
only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
It's true that
every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its
wings. But what they don't tell you is that every
time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set
on fire.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're in a
war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the
enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe
it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and
while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope life isn't
a big joke, because I don't get it.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The next time I
have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a
very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a
little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I
didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean
this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside
the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good
magic trick, huh?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Life, to me, is
like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct
hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You
pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out
of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you
lose your balance and go skidding down the hill
toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man
who was screwing his wife beside the pool because
they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to
get out of there, but you start faking it, like
you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and
chases you...
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes, when I
drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What
if there were no civilization out there? No cities,
no factories, no people? And then I think: No
people or factories? Then who made this car? And
this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick
my head out the window into the driving
rain---unless there's lightning, because I could
get struck on the head by a bolt.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The whole town
laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he
worked hard and saved his money. True, working at
the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it
was better than what everybody else did, which was
go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets
it shot out every day. It turned out he was right.
After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went
broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets
too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he
broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real
high.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Too bad when I
was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would
have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody,
"You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want
to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then
everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and
I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping
I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get
up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of
town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think a good
product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you
go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck
and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like
Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also,
Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish I lived
back in the old west days, because I'd save up my
money for about twenty years so I could buy a
solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start
digging for gold. When someone came up and asked
what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya
durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
A funny thing to
do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going
to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend
that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an
argument with him about who's going to go get help.
A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it
makes you feel good when you tell them it was just
a joke.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I guess I kinda
lost control, because in the middle of the play I
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,
I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help
illustrate one of the human emotions, which is
freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
kill someone for money, or something like that.
Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay
someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Many people think
that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull"
that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by
an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything,
but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went
to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to
wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and
waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see
the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it?
You call that dull?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I scrambled to
the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
"That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said
Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think
we should be heading back now." "We have time,"
Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we
did. We argued back and forth like that for about
20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I
didn't say it was an interesting story.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're a
Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else,
just pretend like you're eating it, but instead,
put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having
cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and
throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these
are good cigars!"
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I remember that
one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew
what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I
said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said
Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made
that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels,
and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up
at practice and then either steal the ball and make
us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle
people at inappropriate times." It was all true
what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go
on.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If I ever opened
a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store
for tramps, which is not the impression we are
trying to convey with our store. On the other hand,
we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or
testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations
seemed to be getting out of control.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I can still
recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every
morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the
old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a
winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we
had some growing up to do.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Once when I was
in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a
mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to
die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure.
I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He
stared telling hes story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't
too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But
then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You
know, that story wasn't too long after all." I
forget what the story was about, but there was a
good movie on the plane. It was a little long,
though.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet a fun thing
would be to go way back in time to where there was
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I
have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted
out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would
start, and they'd probably try to kill you or
something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would
get a good laugh.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wouldn't be
surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big
shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole
person. Then they cut the person open, and in him
is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there
isn't a person, because it would be too small. But
there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny
Combat little toy guy---something like that.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I'd like to see a
nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying
along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm
out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish outer
space guys would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those
little beds with my name on it.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes I think
you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who
the person is you're talking to. Then on the way
out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're a
cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet it would really make you mad if you looked
back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
As a young boy,
when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to
school, you wonder if you should go home and
change, but be late for school, or go to school the
way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he
tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If your friend is
already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one
of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.
But only if you're serious about adopting the
vulture.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Broken promises
don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope that
someday we will be able to put away our fears and
prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you ever crawl
inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both
ends and then put it on a truck and take it to
another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
One thing vampire
children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you go to a
costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
think a good costume would be to dress up like the
boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
There's nothing
so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by
something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Consider the
daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
For mad
scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:
why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for
freshness?
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If I was the head
of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance
over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised.
"Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Somebody told me
how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing each year, but I told that story around the
campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I wish I had a
dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because
then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think people
tend to forget that trees are living creatures.
They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless
dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Instead of
studying for finals, what about just going to the
Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk,
but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet for an
Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the
back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into
the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing
you can do.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Perhaps, if I am
very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,
they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of
genius ever created by Man.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I have to laugh
when I think of the first cigar, because it was
probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you're ever
shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know
how to speak the natives' language, just say
"Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Too bad Lassie
didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she
was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone
said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you want to be
the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big
snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud.
Then lean back and sort of smirk.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think my new
thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll
just walk around being real happy until some jerk
says something stupid to me.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think college
administrators should encourage students to urinate
on walls and bushes, because then when students
from another college come sniffing around, they'll
know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
He was the kind
of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I
guess that's what I hated about him.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If they have
moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on
them, I think you should have to assume sort of a
walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Whenever I hear
the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp,
catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl
of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane
again.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
It's fascinating
to think that all around us there's an invisible
world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course,
of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The land that had
nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned
against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate
land like that.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I bet it was
pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black
Death.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Love can sweep
you off your feet and carry you along in a way
you've never known before. But the ride always
ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.
Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of
a monorail.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes life
seems like a dream, especially when I look down and
see that I forgot to put on my pants.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think the
monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses
so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
The difference
between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up
to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a
giant monster fireman.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I guess more bad
things have been done in the name of progress than
any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When
I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out
into the desert and set it on fire. When the police
showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey,
progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
It's amazing to
me that one of the world's most feared diseases
would be carried by one of the world's smallest
animals: the real tiny dog.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
When the chairman
introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal
alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's
the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed,
I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should
make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Marta was
watching the football game with me when she said,
"You know, most of these sports are based on the
idea of one group protecting its territory from
invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying
not to laugh. Girls are funny.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hope, when they
die, cartoon characters have to answer for their
sins.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Here's a good
trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then,
if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you
didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to
start now?".
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If you go to a
party, and you want to be the popular one at the
party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then
kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the
carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and
yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done
this, but I think it'd work.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Any man, in the
right situation, is capable of murder. But not any
man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder
and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Laugh, clown,
laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress
up like Bozo.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
In some places
it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And
in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But
around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Folks still
remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down
that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was
bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and
the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing.
Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but
whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Tonight, when we
were eating dinner, Marta said something that
really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love
carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real
hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go
into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but
maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I hate it when
people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even
if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So
instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go
up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your
speech improvement." I think this makes him feel
better.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Anybody who has
an identity problem had better wise up and get with
the program!
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
I think there
should be something in science called the "reindeer
effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think
it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what
we have here is a terrifying example of the
reindeer effect."
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If I had a mine
shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it.
There's got to be a better way.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If there was a
terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived
through the storm, and he showed up at your door
when the storm was finally over, I think a good
name for him would be Carl.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
Of all the tall
tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli
Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
If Alien was my
friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the
dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably
go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Jack Handey
(aka Jack Handy)
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